Happy Chinese New Year folks! Hai Shifu missed his train back to Turtle Island and had to wait in the train station for two whole days. In the end, I had to buy the 2000rmb VVIP seat and sit with the village bosses, but it was worth it.

The train station sure is a colorful place. I bet that if you hang out there for even two hours, you can find all these characters too.

1.Wild Beastchild and Mom on Phone

Baby’s on fire, mom’s on WeChat. Where’s daddy?

2. He Who Guards The Only Power Outlet

You asked if you could charge your phone for three minutes so you could find your Uncle Ron, and he threatened to cut you.

3. The Ticket Line Creeper

First they hover around the perimeter like an uncle watching a street fight, then all of the sudden they’re at the front of the line. Very bù hǎo.

4. Guy Carrying a Random Piece of Wood

You can ask him what it’s for, but good luck understanding his dialect.

5. “I’m Doing Fucking Awesome and Want Everyone in My Hometown To Know It”

6. The Dudes Smoking in the Bathroom

Ohhhhhh, there’s daddy.

7. Confused and Angry Foreigner

He just can’t accept that the ticket machines don’t accept passports. And no one understands that he wants to go to Yiwu because he’s screaming, “I want to go to EWWWWWW!”

Quick! Get him to the Burger King upstairs before he burns this whole place down.

8. The One Who Ate an Entire KFC Bucket by Himself

This is The Colonel’s favorite boy. In this moment, it’s just him and his bucket. The rest of the world doesn’t exist. Some folks practice meditation to forget about the world and get on that higher level, and some of us find peace in a bucket of chicken.

This is a sign, folks – it’s gonna be a great year! (Unless you live in the USA. Good luck with that).

Well folks I’m back on Turtle Island eating gummy squids and pineapple pie under the stars with all my turtle friends. Hope you had a safe and colorful journey to your special place this Chinese New Year.

Signing off,

Hai Shifu, Editor-in-Chief

Over the next week, we’ve got an ’80s Cantopop mixtape, exclusive coverage of the New Year’s TV Special, and lots more magic for you, so stay tuned! If you’ve got WeChat, scan this QR code to follow us there.