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NoBike’s New Xiao San Lurrr™ 小三轮儿 Disrupts China’s Bike-Sharing Industry

By Xu Dongmei| 2017-11-07T07:49:32+00:00 May 9th, 2017|Categories: Stories|Tags: Bike Sharing, Love Bang, Xiao San Lurrr|

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Have you ever thought, “I wish I was in better shape. I wish I could be more creative. I wish I had more time to be outside. And I wish my wife could speak better English!”

Well what if today, not one, not two, but THREE of those wishes could come true?

Now they can! Introducing the newest disruptive technology in the evolution of transporation – the Xiao San Lurrr™ 小三轮儿, by NoBike™.

Love Bang Xiao San Lun

Bicycles only have two wheels, but smart folks like yourself know that three is always stronger than two. That’s why Xiao San Lurrr™ has THREE wheels, and a crazy Creative Deck™.

Forget about waiting for cabs ever again. Just grab a Xiao San Lurrr™, tell your crew to hop in the back, and now it’s LIT wherever you go. And with aesthetics like Xiao San Lurrr™, everyone’s gonna be begging you for a ride.

party

With pre-parties like this, you might not even make it to the club.

But Xiao San Lurrr™ is about so much more than just riding. Here’s just a few disruptive ideas you can make happen with your Creative Deck™.

1. Bring out your inner entrepreneur and use Creative Deck™ as a venue for your very own pop-up shop. Now you can finally sell those Thanksgiving kebabs, open a DJ School, or host a turtle adoption day – the only limit is your imagination. You can even link-up with other creative Xiao San Lurrr™ users and throw your own creative market or festival!

Love Bang Thanksgiving Kebab

2. Xiao San Lurrr doubles as an eco-friendly co-working space, right on the street – and we all know that’s where the real opportunities are. Plus, there’s free craft beer because that’s how millennials get shit done!

3. Dark skin is trending, but why pay an expensive tanning salon when you can run your own, right from your Creative Deck™? Let your friends tan for free or charge ’em by the minute!

Love Bang Tanning Salon

4. Go crazy with some of our VIP Options and pimp out your ride!

Love Bang Xiao San Lurrr VIP Options

Still on the fence? Just listen to these testimonials from our satisfied riders.

“A few years ago, my wife Ruby and I fell in love when we met at the People’s Square English corner. But after she got pregnant, we realized the cultural differences were massive! Once, I almost threw her mother out of the 21st floor window. But thanks to our date nights with Xiao San Lurrr™, love is in the air again. Thanks, NoBike!” – Tony Guy

couple

“Last month, I told my boss, ‘hey man, you can suck my D – I’m starting my own company.’ Now I’m my own boss. I’ve got an English learning center on the back of my Xiao San Lurrr.” – Ricky Kushner

“OK, I NEED A XIAO SAN LURRR. SWING DOWN AND LET ME RIDE!”

Love Bang Xiao San Lurrr App

Here’s the best part – Xiao San Lurrr™ is organic and 100% free! We don’t even need your passport info. Just download the app from the Trap Store and prepare a deposit of 5000rmb (cash only), and we’ll send one of our uncles over to collect it in three minutes, anywhere in China. You read that right – three minutes. We got a lot of uncles.

After that, we’ll invest your deposit into a complicated but 100% risk-free string of offshore investments. But you don’t need to worry about that! Whenever you see a Xiao San Lurrr™, just hop on and park it wherever you want. And if someone gets mad about you parking your Xiao San Lurrr™ in the middle of the road or the blind folks lane, just laugh in their stupid face and tell them, “Good luck kicking this over, gramps! We all know triangles are the strongest!”

Xiao San Lurrr™, by NoBike™. It’s no bike – because it’s got three wheels.

Love Bang Xiao San Lurrr Logo

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When Smartphones Kill: A Qingming Holiday Safety Special

By Hai Shifu| 2017-11-07T07:49:32+00:00 April 3rd, 2017|Categories: LB Comix, Stories|Tags: Hai Shifu, Love Bang, Qingming Jie|

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Hello folks and happy Tombsweeping Holiday! Have you ever wondered what you’ll be in YOUR next life? Well today we’ve got an exclusive interview with Yánwáng, a.k.a. The King of Hell, a.k.a. the dude on those 500rmb Hell Money notes that your favorite Āyí is burning right now. He’s the judge down there in Hades. When you die, he decides whether you’ll spend eternity digging for cans of dog food that you can’t even eat because your throat is swollen shut OR get reincarnated as a beautiful flower, or an astronaut, or even a turtle! He’s actually a really nice guy.

Anyway, I was planning to ask him about the newest tech and F&B trends down in hell – like hey, do they have vegan options in the staff cafeteria these days? Are they still playing EDM in the torture chambers? But Yanwang didn’t wanna discuss any of that. He’s all stressed out because folks keep dying in cell phone accidents and he’s overworked trying to sort out their souls for afterliving.

Yanwang The King of Hell and His Holiday Presentation on Smartphone Safety

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Hai Shifu: Hey Yanwang, thanks a lot for taking the time to help us fill a hole for topical holiday content.

Yanwang: Thanks for having me, and I’m sorry you caught me at such a bad time. You know, I used to love my job, but ever since the third or fourth wave of smartphones, our immigration department has just been a clusterfuck. Folks falling into manholes and getting eaten by rats… folks getting eaten by escalators… We’re backed up for like MONTHS, man.

And these souls – I don’t even know how to judge them anymore, and Netherworld OS9.3 can’t read their LifeFiles. (Hey Tony in software – hope you’re reading this – would it kill you to write a fucking patch, man?). It’s like they were already dead before they even died. They’re all stuck on this three-second cassette loop, just flickering the last three seconds before their death.

Let tell you about some of these souls I keep seeing down here.

1. The Ones Who Drove and Swiped GOODBYE

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Yanwang: Ohhhhh! Vivian just liked your WeChat Moment. A dog just followed you on Instagram! BOOM! CRASH INTO A RIVER OF BLOOD. I see these cases all the time.

2. The Bathtub KOL

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Yanwang: Silk The Shocker! …I just thought folks knew this was a bad idea? Especially when they got the 10rmb charger from the uncle at the sock shop.

3. The BBQ Face Brunch Special

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Yanwang: See, a lot of folks worry about the number four. That’s crazy. What they need to worry about is talking on the damn phone when it’s plugged in the wall.

4. The Rooftoppers

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Yanwang: Oh god. I can’t. “Chasing Rooftops.” Why. You think taking a selfie hanging off a building makes you look hard?? You know what’s harder? The ground.

Play it safe.

Love Bang Anti Shouji Shouji Club

I could go on and on about the girl who was Face-Timing on her Mobike and swerved in front of a tuna fish truck, or the dude that got lost on his GPS trying to find In N’ Out and wandered into ISIS territory, but my point is, we’re like, really backed up down here in the netherworld, so please just do us all a favor and don’t be a statistic. And remember – eat all your rice. You don’t wanna be a hungry ghost.

– Yanwang, a.k.a. Yama

***

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Six Things I Hate About Being A Woman In China

By Xu Dongmei| 2017-11-07T07:49:32+00:00 March 29th, 2017|Categories: Stories|

Here in Shanghai, we’ve got it better than a lot of women in the world. I took a business trip to Saudi Arabia last year and was like, “Damn, at least I can drive in China.” We’ve still got a ways to go, though. Sure, ladies in Shanghai can walk home alone at 2am no problem, but we still deal with all kinds of máfan and outdated thinking. Lemme tell you about the struggles we face on the daily.

perioddrama

Most stores here don’t even sell tampons because girls are afraid they’ll ruin their vagina and never find a husband. The few that do only sell one brand, unless you’re at some yuppie supermarket where a box of tampons costs more than a whole birthday cake.

Oh it’s late and the drug store is closed? The convenience store definitely doesn’t have any medicine for your cramps, but they do have a whole shelf of maxi pads. Gross. I hate walking into a public restroom and finding a used maxi pad just chillin on the top of the wastebin like an open-face sandwich. And while we’re on that topic…

ladiesroom

Oh you found a western toilet? Bet the seat is drenched in pee from that girl who squats over the seat or stands on it because she’s afraid of catching an infection and becoming infertile.

bullshitadvice

When they’re not glaring at our subtle cleavage or making that judgey face, a lot of elders just love to tell us how to live. Even worse, a lot of you girls take their advice! I’m just like, “Sorry Āyí, I can’t hear you across this cultural gap.” The minute you turn 25, they start asking why you’re not married with kids. Then they call you fat to your face. Countryside sisters get it even worse.

And when you finally do pop out a baby, they tell you to zuò yuèzi. Like, “you can’t brush your teeth or wash your hair for one month, or your teeth will fall out, your husband will lust for other women, and you’ll get headaches FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!”

Love Bang Parents Just Dont Understand

I got this friend who’s a techno DJ. Her ex-boyfriend didn’t introduce her to his family even after they dated for two years. His parents think any girl who works in nightlife is automatically a prostitute. But if they knew the deal, they’d know there’s some nice girls in the club and some real hoes in the office.

respect

Guys are always trying to pay for everything and treat us like pets. That’s disrespectful. One dude tried to give me an iPhone on our second date. I was like, a) I’ve got my own money, and b) I’ve already got an iPhone 7, and I don’t trust girls with two phones. They always seem like they’re up to something.

mensexpectations

Men expect us to be all warm, soft and thin. They want us to talk sweetly and keep our opinions limited to “Kě’ài” and “Hǎo a, lǎogōng.” Look, it’s bad enough when dudes don’t take me seriously in business meetings, but the absolute worst is when they’re like “nice to meet you” and then give me a girly-ass, limp-wristed handshake.

It feels like I’m shaking hands with a kitten. Sisters, you know what I’m talking about!

Look, I could go on and on about how we only have three color choices for foundation (Nope, “ivory yellow” is not working for me) or the kinds of married dudes that try to holler, but I wanna know how you feel. Drop it in the comments honey.

– Relationship Counselor Rabbit

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You Sound Girly AF When You Speak Mandarin

By Xu Dongmei| 2017-11-07T07:49:32+00:00 March 7th, 2017|Categories: LB Comix, Stories|Tags: Relationship Counselor Rabbit|

lovebangrabbitinabar

Foreign dudes are always trying to holler at me. I just have that look. And one move that gets them rejected every single time is when they come at me with some girly-ass Mandarin.

When you drop that “Duì a!” or say some shit like, “Nǐ sì bù sì Sànghǎirén?” I can already tell what you’re all about. I know your history. I know what kind of folks you’ve been hanging around these last few years while you’ve been finding yourself in China.

It’s not happening honey.

But to help you in life, in business, and in love, I’m gonna school you on six ways to avoid sounding so damn soft when you’re trying to spit some huà. Of course, if you want to sound like a Taiwanese Princess, that’s on you, but it’s weird and confusing when you’re supposedly straight.

LoveBangMandarinRules1

Worst. You don’t live in “Zōngsān Gōngyuán” – you live in “Zhōngshān gōngyuán”. And no, we’re never going to “yīqǐ cìfan”. Now go home and watch some TF Boys videos. Bye.

LoveBangMandarinRules2

You probably learned those phrases like “Wǒ è sǐle” and “Wǒ xiǎng sǐ nǐle” from Vivian at the English corner. Forget them like you forget her..

LoveBangMandarinRules3

Dudes saying “Duì a” is a major turnoff. You’re much better off just saying “duì” or “N.” (Or just say nothing at all and silently affirm like a cab driver).

LoveBangMandarinRules4

Not even once. Zhīdàole o?

LoveBangMandarinRules5

One time this investment banker bro told me, “Bùyào zèyàng la!” and I spit my drink in his face.

LoveBangMandarinRules6

Not if you’re a grown-ass man arguing with a bǎo’ān about where you can park your scooter. PS I don’t wanna ride on your scooter and I hope the cops take it.

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Nine times out of ten, you’re dropping terms like “lǜchá biǎo” two years too late and way out of context. Stop trying.

Look honey, I’m just telling you what everyone else is too polite to tell you. Believe me, I’m not the only one who feels like this. Real sisters, you know what I’m talking about.

– Relationship Counselor Rabbit

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When Smartphones Kill: A Qingming Holiday Safety Special

Six Things I Hate About Being A Woman In China

You Sound Girly AF When You Speak Mandarin